This topic has been a concern for a lot of women. Harmful relationship patterns are awful indeed, because you never know when the relationship you’ve signed for gets actually toxic. Today we will learn:
How to break the bad relationship patterns
1. Write down everything that has been worrying you. Emotions can be harmful, especially when you don’t let them come out. It is crucial to share. Sharing is caring. Don’t ignore any of them since you might be having a hard time telling everything in person. Paper can bear it all. Also, keeping track of your unhealthy relationship patterns, you’ll be able to analyze what was wrong and what was common for all of them.
2. Trace your pattern. It is very important to think of every relationship that you had at different periods of time. Also, psychologists advise keeping track from early childhood. Do you notice similarities between your ex, your relatives and friends? Sometimes we assess the person on a subconscious level giving points for one or another trait but never really understand why we act submissively victimized. You have to go down the memory lane for that.
3. Visit a therapist for professional help. If tracing similarities between your past and present seems impossibly hard (yes, it is perfectly normal), or you have been reflecting too much, it’s high time for you to see the therapist/coach. Those people have a PhD in destructive relationship patterns, so you won’t waste your time. They will always give you reasonable pieces of advice. Besides that, you will feel relieved and emotionally stable once you’ll be explained what was the cause of a bad relationship.
4. What is your relationship character? A lot of ladies forget about this one. It is not a secret that we choose one way to behave in a relationship with a person we really like. What is your character? Who do you become in a relationship? What makes you anxious, depressed, concerned, alarmed, excited?
5. Find the reason for everything that has been going in your life. Lacking approval? Try to remember who you think was invalidated by you. Someone is not taking you seriously? Look up if you don’t mock anyone accidentally. Usually we use mirror projection (this term describes a situation when we get mad at one person, but he or she turns out to be the bad side of our subconscious). If you hate someone for doing something, make sure you have all the background rights to hate this person.
6. Think of your daily routine. You have to evaluate if something in your habits is a projection of your anxiety, depression, reflection and all of those bad emotions. Basically, you have to keep track of every habit that doesn’t affect your life – neither positively nor negatively. Also, make sure you don’t create everyday rituals or bad stress-relievers: excessive eating, tearing napkins, chewing gum, popping pimples. What do you feel when you stick to these kinds of routines?
7. Think about overdoing things that keep you away from stress. Some people stay very late at work, eat too much, tan too much, put too much makeup because those rituals keep them safe and entertained, running from your problem. Why do you do this? Can you resist doing something that makes you uncomfortable (sleep-deprived, hungry, obese, ridiculous)? Sometimes things that we don’t even realize are the projection of out subconscious.
8. Take a break from dating. If you want to get away from harmful patterns, you need to spend a year learning your habits, exploring emotions and understanding what might have led to these consequences. Some people do the opposite, jumping right into next relationships trying to overlay previous pain and bad experiences. What they do is actually triggering themselves and becoming more and more anxious and desperate. Sex-calls may be a quick stress reliever, but when you feel abandoned and unwanted the day after, you’ll never actually break the chain of feeling bad over other people.
9. Stop texting your exes. I know it may seem like the mission is impossible, but keeping up with the boyfriends from your past makes you addicted to things that you are trying to get rid of. Stop getting validation from people that are no longer in your life. He texts you a compliment? Wants you back? Who are you fooling? Those people will get what they want and disappear one more time. Don’t feel weak and delete all of your text messages to not feel any temptation to reread it.
10. Don’t live someone else’s life for their pleasure. You have your feelings to take care of. Sometimes we want to help everyone and want them not to feel sad after rejection, so we do everything they will ask for out of our will. I get that perfectly, we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but why do we always feel bad and uncomfortable?
11. Read books. But make sure you don’t let them sit on your shelf, really, read your book. This is what you can do out of will, because the biggest harm you can get is a sense of boredom.
12. Make up a list of people who lower your self-esteem, offend you, and make you feel less talented (valuable, worthy etc.) Some people are huge emotional vampires, so make sure you minimized any type of contacts with abusers. Try to set your borders and explain why you feel bad talking to them if you don’t want to lose a close friend, for example.
13. Never belittle your wins. If you want to stop feeling anxious, you’ll have to concentrate on your victories, not only on your failures.
14. Be direct with people. I know, it may seem like a lot of work, but please, stop smiling confusingly. Stop dropping hints about your emotions. Some people don’t even understand them. Don’t do things low-key. You’re just wasting time while people ride you like an old donkey.
15. Stop being silent about your emotions. It’s simple to say “I’m fine”, but who benefits from your reticence?
16. Down with putting people on the pedestal. You’ve obviously created too high of an image of a certain person. There are not so many people who deserve to be your idols. Be your own idol.
17. Stop seeking approval on Facebook (Instagram, Tinder, Twitter). Yeah, you can perfectly progress without likes and reposts. People who like your posts love the image of you, not the person who you are in real life. So why do you have to give them so much credit? Gosh, they are not your saviors. Try to raise your self-esteem in a more natural way. Develop yourself; express yourself by finding a nice hobby, become famous for poems, paintings, articles.
18. Find people with narcissistic relationship pattern. Yeah, to ask them disappear. I am sure we all have a friend who thinks too much of herself, but no one dares to reveal the truth. You are not the one to myth-bust delusional people. Just make them quit.
19. Meditate. Meditation is a great way to get away from your usual routine. It is a powerful stress reliever and a way to do an emotional detox.
20. Spend time with reliable people. And by reliable I mean those people who boost your confidence, knowledge, happiness etc.