Willingness to build a family is about the ability and desire to live a family life and be in committed relationships. Much of this is determined by everyday circumstances. If the person chooses to build a career or finish studying at a current moment, then they are obviously not ready for the marriage and have other priorities. If someone spends the majority of their time on business trips and is not used to live with their partner daily, starting a family may cause them discomfort as well. Everyday circumstances are a lens, they reflect what we lack and what we aren’t ready to sacrifice. But if the initial desire appears – no circumstances can be a limit.
The main criteria that specify the readiness to have a family are not external everyday circumstances, but internal ones. That is your and your partner’s subjective understanding of your common future. As for men, the time factor is important here. That is the age factor. Namely, many men get married when they feel that they are tired of coming back to an empty apartment and want to have kids and stability. The main traditional time frames for building a family are considered below, as well as signs that show whether you are ready for such an important step or not.
Is There the “Right” Time to Start Building a Family?
According to the so-called “theory of a New York taxi driver,” men, like New York taxi drivers, roam around the city for days, collecting a catch. They drive some women for long distances or the near ones. But at some point, when they get tired of this fuss, they return home. And they marry whoever is in the back seat of this metaphorical relationship taxi.
This theory, contrary to the romanticism-based one, suggests that starting a new family is a matter of time, not a miracle. And there is a reasonable grain of truth in this. Many relationships stop when a woman begins to insist on their legitimization and achieves only that she is thrown out of a taxi. According to the theory of the New York taxi driver, an intelligent woman is one who slowly settles near the man, monopolizing the back seat of the car and tightly closing the doors until the driver himself makes a final choice.
Men do not like to admit it, but they talk about relationships exactly like women. Especially when they get older. Women discuss relationships with wisdom and knowledge. Men may be less wise in this issue, but they also conclude that in matters of marriage, “when” is no less important than “who.” As one man said, “If I met my wife at least a year early, I would have never married her.”
This does not mean that he does not love her. It only means that he was simply not ready to start a family. The theory of a New York taxi driver suggests that for a man, marriage becomes a purely practical and less emotional solution at some point. So, the time when you decide to start a family matters very much. The woman must be patient enough not to force the partner into this. And that a man also remembers that none of them will wait forever.
When Is It Better to Start a Family in the Modern World?
If you delve into this topic, you will notice that the opinions of guys and girls on this are fundamentally different. Besides, the views on the optimal age for creating a family differ depending on the place of residence. Let’s shed light on this.
The perfect age according to girls
It is widely believed that a girl should get married before the age of 25. However, most men do not consider girls under 25 to be that serious which leaves them only a small gap of a year or two to get married in time. Otherwise, they will consider “too old.” Society labels women over 30 as not suitable for marriage either.
Many ladies are advised to start looking for a soulmate for life at 20 years old so that by 23-25, the girl is already dating the man she plans to tie the knot with. They say that girls mature faster, and therefore, it is necessary to marry earlier than men.
At the same time, many are convinced that a man should be 5-10 years older (no more). Then the partners are still almost peers, they will not get bored together, and such guys usually know what they want from life, and have also achieved a lot by that time. For example, they have a car, a house, or an apartment, etc. the benefits are immediately evident. Few girls are now ready to wait until the man achieves all this.
When to start a family for a man?
Men, as a rule, begin to think about marriage, at the age of 28 – 30. By this time, short affairs and casual dates are not particularly interesting. They want a family, stability, and attention.
Men usually choose girls either of the same age or a little younger than themselves. For example, he may be 30, and she is 25. It is rare for the age difference to be bigger. It also happens that the girl is several years older than her spouse.
Moreover, uneven marriages happen too. For example, he is 40, and she is 25. The difference is huge. She needs his resources; he needs her for maintaining status and entertainment. Although the man would probably feel more interesting near his peer. Thus, the average age at marriage for a man is 30 years. However, it may be 25 +/-. But men prefer to have children at the age of 35+. According to polls and opinions on the forums – this is due to the desire to have a stable income, find the best place to raise a family, and share confidence in the future when a child appears. However, in practice, desires, and reality diverge, so often men have children much earlier.
Things to Consider Before Starting a Family
Why are poorly constructed buildings, structures, houses breaking down? Because they were poorly built. Let’s ask a question, “What is needed to build a good, reliable house?” That’s right, sole desire and fantasies about how beautiful it will be are not enough. First, you need to draw a sketch, then a project that will include all the calculations, asses the quality and quantity of materials, the strength of the structures. Then we will begin to make a solid foundation, bring in communications, erect load-bearing structures, etc. In the last turn, we will install furniture, create comfortable conditions for ourselves.
And what happens when two people start considering how to build a strong family relationship? They date, seem to have liked each other, and decide to create a good and beautiful house. Calculations, sketches were not made, there is no foundation, but there is only the desire to live beautifully. Besides, builders are intoxicated by feelings. Have you seen drunk builders? Do not be surprised that they will eventually build a terrible house. Moreover, they may even buy beautiful furniture like the one in their fantasies. But the house does not have the foundation. And in the end, of course, it will fall apart. What should these people have considered before starting a family?
The family has its laws
Look: we are surrounded by surrogates. We eat products that aren’t natural and do not know their composition, watch films in which there is not a drop of meaning, we listen to music in which there is not a drop of harmony. And then we are surprised that our feelings are the same. We don’t know what they should look like! At the same time, we think that true love itself should fall to us from heaven. No, it is impossible. The truth is unpleasant. To have a stable family life, you need to make a huge amount of effort. And we are much more concerned to seem and not be someone. We all look like artificial products, in which there are all kinds of substitutes, enhancers, oxidizing agents, dyes, but nothing genuine.
True feelings are a sacrifice
Before wondering how to build a strong family, you should realize that true love is a sacrifice. Mother saves the child and sacrifices her life, the soldier goes to death for the salvation of the Motherland, and this is true love. Here she is – a voluntary sacrifice for the sake of another! If we sacrifice our time, powers, desires, opportunities for the sake of another, while not demanding anything in return, completely without our interest, then we love. We just want to do everything in our power for this person. This is love!
True feelings bring true joy
Many will say that true love cannot be achieved, that this is an ideal dream. This is not true. True love can be grown in yourself, you can date, open to a person, you can grow up to it. But for this, it is necessary to kill the egoism in ourselves, which makes us blind because egoists see only themselves. Yes, love is a sacrifice, but this sacrifice only brings pleasure. We are happy to make another one happy. So, before starting a family, consider whether you are ready to let go of your selfishness for the sake of your partner and your future children.
Family is a joint spiritual growth
And it cannot be possible without difficulties. This must be realized. When a person starts wondering how to start a family, it means they have emotionally matured. This understanding should be in both spouses. And then every day of their joint love will be a new beginning, the giant space for development. The family will help these people grow and open new horizons.
There is plenty of egoism in each of us
To understand this, one must be honest with oneself. An indicator of egoism is the degree of our sacrifice. The more we do for other people, the more we try to help them, the more we feel the need to give ourselves something else, the less selfishness is in us. Just keep in mind that we should do all this for people free of charge, from the bottom of our hearts, not hoping for recognition or obligations of another for what we have done. We should just give everything to another. This will not be easy at the beginning because people are animals whose instincts (except for the maternal) tell us to think only about ourselves. Do not expect the full sacrifice from your partner, but do it for them instead. And one day it will come naturally.
If there is no purpose, marriage is doomed
Spouses should have a common goal, to which both should go together, hand in hand. In any case, there must be a goal. Life is, in a sense, war, and not sheer pleasure, entertainment. But today, for many, marriage is entertainment. But with this approach, the partner’s shortcomings gradually become hypertrophied, people create expectations and themselves suffer from this.
Marriage is a creation
Two people create each other, i.e. support on this difficult path to a common goal, help in every way, render each other different assistance in this ascent. And then children are born who must also make this ascent. And then the parents support the children in this way. And then the whole family storms this mountain, helping each other. And then the parents become old, and the children support them in the same way as they once supported the kids. Here’s the meaning: family is the union of people who are all together, on the way to a single goal, through difficulties on their way to the top.
Signs That You Are Not Ready to Start a Family Together
Unfortunately, if you still hesitate how to build a family and whether you need this, you may be not ready for it. When the right time comes, everything becomes easy and clear. Check yourself for these signs that may show the right time has not yet come for you.
The desire for more freedom
Independent living allows you to do whatever you want and when you want. Family life sets limits. And not always a person is ready to adjust their desires to these boundaries. If you feel that you have not enjoyed your bachelor life to the fullest, you will not give it up and go voluntarily tie a knot.
The conversation about money is dragged on
Money is, of course, not the main thing, but it also contributes to the relationship. The lack of desire to talk about finances with a partner indicates a lack of trust. There is no talk of finance – there is no willingness of partners to move to a new level and create a family.
Every secret becomes apparent sooner or later. The presence of secrets from the current partner, whom you plan to spend the rest of your life with, is not a good start to family life. One must understand the line between privacy and honesty.
Marriage is an easy walk
Creating a family at the state level is compared with a partnership agreement. If children were born during the existence of the contract, this imposes an even greater responsibility on family partners. A person should not perceive the conclusion of marriage as carrying out an experiment, which in case of failure, will result in a divorce. If such thoughts are present, then there is no readiness to legitimize relations in you. To divorce is not difficult, to survive a divorce is extremely hard.
Uncertainty in a partner
Doubts arising on the way to the altar should be let go off before placing the stamp in the passport. Lack of confidence in the correct choice of a person, other reasons of a vague nature are a reason to think twice. Getting married so as not to offend a person or for the sake of someone else’s desire will bring only disappointment.