Personal relationships look so simple at first sight – if you like a person, you ask them out on a date, and if you are cool together, you move to the next level of relationships. However, the reality is different. A person is a set not only of certain characteristics but also experiences, fears, numerous issues, and stuff. Each of us has different happy and unhappy moments that we’ve survived through, and while someone continues their way no matter what, others may try to keep out of certain emotions. Thus, it’s when a serial online dater appears on the dating site and immerses into communication with people on the other side of the screen.
There’s a Plenty of Fish in the Sea: Does Being a Serial Dater Really Suck?
Everything happens for a reason and has a root cause, but not everyone can understand and realize the situation. Someone cannot define serial dater that easy and come up with numerous excuses for this person or, on the contrary, begins to blame them, knowing nothing actually. Nonetheless, you should get that people come to a certain pattern of behavior because of certain situations in the past. Usually, these moments have nothing to do with anything pleasant, so a person develops a defensive mechanism that protects their vulnerable soul. Thus, if you have got through several painful breakups because you loved your ex-partners too much, you could decide (even subconsciously) that you don’t need serious relationships because you don’t want to suffer again. Or you had a toxic partner who humiliated you and practiced emotional abuse.
So, one day you wake up and decide that it’s enough. You would be rather a serial dater in this world of endless opportunities than feel blue again because of some person. As they say, “There’s a plenty of fish in the sea,” so why you should dwell on one person and get through the period of “adjustment” to each other, when you can get back to the dating scene again as soon as you stop liking something about your current date? So, your emotional state is maintained on the same level, you get only bright emotions and feel thrilled about the first dates when everything is still exciting and extremely interesting. It looks not that bad at first glance.
However, one shouldn’t forget that in most cases, it’s still about a defensive mechanism of your psyche that doesn’t allow you to get attached to someone too much due to the fear of being abandoned and broken again. One day you can still get tired of it.
What Is a Serial Dater?
Many people are used to the existence of serial killers thanks to detective movies, but most of them have no idea about serial dater meaning. What is a serial dater? Well, to answer this question and set the record straight, one should take a closer look at serial dater psychology. One may confuse it with a casual dater – a person who is looking for a carefree romantic love affair or a usual one-night stand and who can date several partners at once. But it’s not our case.
A serial dater woman or man doesn’t want to adhere to the generally accepted rules of dating for one reason or another. Most likely, such a person had a negative experience or was seriously hurt by a person they had a crush on. So, at some point, a person decided to not get attached to other people (maybe even not intentionally) and just enjoy the dating process to the fullest till the moment when everything becomes too serious. Well, over time, they can become addicted to the thrill of the beginning of new relationships. When you start dating a new person it is as if you open a new interesting book, you feel excited, and this excitement is so strong that it can turn into your personal kind of drug without which you feel broken, unhappy and abandoned.
Well, in some cases, it can also be about boredom and selfishness, but it seems some personal issues are hidden behind a serial dater definition and their constant desire to start dating a new person. Usually, such people are good at manipulating, even though they may not realize that. They are trying so hard to escape from their inner issues, telling themselves that it would be better to start dating someone else that they lose their personality at some point, pretending to be someone else all the time.
7 Signs of a Serial Dater
You may turn out to be on either side of this issue, even not realizing it. You may subconsciously choose to date a person who has all signs of a serial dater, or you may be a serial dater yourself. In both cases, the sooner you realize the problem, the better it will be for you. It can happen that you want to have committed relationships with a beloved partner, but all your love affairs don’t work out for one reason or another. The crucial moment can lay in the fact that you subconsciously choose/ attract such partners due to certain reasons that are hidden deep inside you. So, the main serial dater relationship advice sounds like that, “If you have serious intentions, and you want to change your life for the better, then you should be able to recognize serial dater signs and deal with them right away.” You will not be able to have long-lasting healthy relationships if either you start dating such a person, or you are a serial dater yourself. The modern world with its numerous dating apps and sites creates an illusion of a huge choice when there is always a chance to meet someone better.
1. You fall in love with the idea of a person, but never the person themselves
One of the first signs of a serial dater is the appearance of illusions. When you start dating a new person, you become overwhelmed with endorphins and chemistry. You don’t monitor your emotions and feelings enough to understand your attitude and realize the level of your compatibility. The fact that a dating app calls you a perfect match doesn’t mean that you are really compatible. You have created a certain image in your head about the person and believed in it, but this delusion has nothing to do with reality. And when you put off your rose-colored glasses, you feel disappointed in a person because they don’t meet your expectations. So, you leave and look for someone better.
2. You don’t talk about your future together
If you or your date avoids talking about your future together, it means that one of you is not going to have it. It’s one of the most obvious signs of a serial dater. One of you may feel uneasy and embarrassed when another one starts talking about the future and making plans, you might want to change the topic because you don’t like the very idea of a continuation of your relationships that further. So, if you or your date doesn’t want to discuss some activities that ordinary couples in love do together, whether it’s a join trip to some other city or visiting your friends’ party, then one of you has different plans.
3. You don’t want to open up
To build a long-term healthy relationship, both partners should know each other pretty well to be able to understand whether they are cool together to move on or it’s better to break up and look for a more suitable partner. So, what’s a serial dater? It’s a person who doesn’t want to open up and show their true self to their date, and they hide any personal information. Such a person will hardly talk about their past relationships, feelings, expectations, and desires. They don’t want to cross the line between well-known and personal information, they would prefer to keep it a secret.
4. You don’t pay/ get all the attention
If you are not sure whether you or your partner is a serial dater, then it’s worth looking at your communication and “presence” of each of you in the talks. If a person cannot devote their time and full attention only to a partner, and they are constantly distracted by incoming messages even though they don’t have work or family problems, then chances are very high, this person is a serial dater. So, they might arrange meetings and exchange messages with others when you are spending time together.
5. You don’t fulfill the commitments
When you have serious intentions and want to build a relationship with a person, it’s obvious that you put them first wherever it is possible. However, when you are a serial dater, you don’t care much about the feelings of another person, so you can easily cancel a date at the last moment, change common plans and even disappear for a while. You are not going to fulfill any commitments because it’s not your cup of tea. So, if one of you is not a man of their word, then chances are, such behavior has something to do with the topic of this article.
6. You are looking only for sexual intercourse
If you want to enter a committed relationship and make things work, you invest in it both physically and emotionally. Besides, usually, emotional investment is much more important in such a case. However, a serial dater is not going to build a solid foundation for the relationships, so they seek only physical pleasure. So, they will not try to get to know their partner better, find out different sides of their personality and level of compatibility. Sexual intercourse is the only thing a serial dater is interested in
7. You don’t try hard
When you are interested in a person and dream about a continuation of your relationships, you try hard to attract them and hook. If you a serial dater, you adhere to the philosophy that you can always find someone better. Just right away. So, you don’t pay too much attention to your outfits (if you are not a fashionista by nature), you can allow yourself to forget about gentleman manners and behave as you want. It’s typical behavior of a person who doesn’t care about anyone’s attitude and feelings.
How to Make Things Change?
The main root cause of different unhealthy dating behaviors that ruin our relationships in one way or another is the absence of required knowledge in this regard. Most people don’t know how to love themselves, so they are looking for someone who will meet this challenge instead of them. We focus so much on meeting the one to become finally happy, so we ignore all the red flags at the beginning of the relationship with the wrong person. It leads to the fact that we develop a solid defensive mechanism that protects us from regrets and sorrows.
Some people turn into serial daters who cannot stop at the right moment. They are afraid of rejection and some other things, so they choose the way of the least resistance when you stop caring about the feelings of other people. The thing is that everything can change only when a serial dater realizes their issue and starts working on themselves. If you are dating a serial dater, then you should understand that you will not be able to change a person if they don’t want to change themselves. It’s not about you, it’s about their inner state and desires. If you understand that a person avoids commitment, you can talk to them and sort things out, making them realize that you want and deserve much more.
But if a person is okay with how everything is going on, you should better leave if you have different intentions and desires. If a serial dater has a crush on you, and you make it clear that you are not going to accept their game rules, then they may change their attitude if their feelings are strong enough. And if they don’t try to do anything and just switch to someone else, then it’s not your soulmate. You should realize your self-worth and don’t forget to love yourself first.
Can You Make It Work For Yourself?
Don’t forget that you can gain an advantage in any situation. If you are a serial dater, and you have realized this problem, then it’s time to work on your issues and self-esteem. Nobody can fill the void in your soul, only you can heal your emotional wounds and become happy. If you believe that some other person will be able to fix you, then you are terribly wrong. You expect too much from other people, forgetting that nobody can become your source of happiness until you will not be ready to change yourself. It’s not bad to date different people and look for someone who will really suit you, but you should do that carefully and thoughtfully. You should weigh the pros and cons of the person and see clearly the level of your compatibility.